


Dead Head

by Arghnon



Series: SASO2016 Fills! [8]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Challenge: Sport Anime Shipping Olympics | SASO 2016, F/M, Jail Mention, M/M, Mild Descriptions of a Decapitated Head Including Blood Mention, Sounds like really bad but it's not they just got into shit, but also not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-28
Updated: 2016-07-28
Packaged: 2018-07-27 08:23:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7610758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arghnon/pseuds/Arghnon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Package: large, battered cardboard box, all the labels have been scribbled out by sharpie, with a note taped haphazardly to the top<br/>From: Noya<br/>To: Ryuu<br/>Note: I'M SO SORRY RYUU I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO??? DON'T HATE ME PLS</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dead Head

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt is here: https://sportsanime.dreamwidth.org/14215.html?thread=5751943#cmt5751943
> 
> For Bonus Round 3 (Gift Tags)

Ryuu was a little excited that he got mail. That afternoon, he woke up from his sleep-in to his doorbell ringing and a tired looking postman handing him a large package. He rarely got mail except for his Jump subscriptions and weird postcards from Saeko. So pretty much getting mail specifically for him is always a treat. Unless they were bills but today is not a bill day and no thoughts stop ruining his mail-excitement!

It was a shitty box. It really was. He almost couldn’t see the note taped on top amongst the other labels plastered all over. Someone must have reused this box a thousand times.

Shit, it was from Noya.

He read the message.

SHIT, it was from NOYA. And his boyfriend sounded distressed! The last time Noya sounded this distressed was when Gari-Gari kun almost had to shut down because of a law suit. The last last time was when Noya wrecked Saeko’s motorcycle in a car accident. The last last last time was when Asahi- okay well you get the idea. His boyfriend would never let anyone know how panicked he was unless he couldn’t hold it anymore. 

And his boyfriend sounded really panicked. 

Determined not to lose his cool, he walked to the kitchen and pulled out a Swiss Army knife. He cut off the tape deliberately but not too slowly. He just wanted to cut it neatly just in case it was something delicate and important. He was not scared shitless. Not at all.

With all the tape cut, he looked at the box beneath him. A deep sigh and a short prayer later, he carefully opened the flaps. He nearly screamed.

He did let out a strangled horrified noise because holy shit there was a decapitated head in the fucking box his boyfriend sent him what the fuck. The eyes were glassy and there was bright red blood around the neck and splattered all over the face. The expression looked like it was shocked that it was dead and Ryuu thought ‘yeah, me too, dude.’

He DID scream when the doorbell rang. He panicked and quickly closed the box and stuffed it under the coffee table before he ran to look into the peep hole. His whole body sagged in relief to see his boyfriend smashing his doorbell like a maniac. 

Swiftly he pulled the door open and dragged Noya in with an arm around his neck. Gotta keep the babe safe. Noya started shouting once he was inside.

“RYUU! DID YOU GET THE PACKAGE! I HAD TO SEND IT TO YOU CAUSE I HAD VOLLEYBALL PRACTICE AND YOU CAN’T BRING SOMEONE’S HEA-” Ryuu flailed and slammed his hand into his boyfriend’s mouth to shut him up.

“Yuu-chan, the apple of my eye, my dear sweetcheeks, volleyball of my soul, if you shout any louder about the decapitated head you sent me the neighbours are going to hear and they will send us to jail in three seconds flat, okay?” he hurriedly whispered into his boyfriend’s ear.

Noya stared up at him wide-eyed and nodded. 

“Okay,” he sighed “okay.” He scooped Noya up with both arms like a roll of carpet pressed close to his chest and placed him gently on the living room couch. Noya sat patiently and watched as Ryuu pulled out the package he mailed.

“Now, Yuu,” He started “what in the everlivingfuck is this?” Ryuu asked in that soft hurried way that Noya knew meant he was very close to pissing his pants.

“Alright, okay, you know how I live with Chika right and he had Kei over again and I didn’t wanna hear them go at it so I went out and when I came back they were gone and I was so tired from stuff that I just passed out right?” Ryuu did not know that but now he did so he nodded anyway. 

“Right! So then when I woke up I rolled over and hit this thing and I’m like ‘oh shit is that my phone!’ so I roll over some more and then I see THIS dead guy staring at me!! And like I’m like what the fuck??? Right??! Cause a dead head was on my bed and I started freaking out because you know it’s a dead head!!! So I thought, what the fuck is someone trying to set me up for a murder? What if I call the police and they’re like ‘it was in your bed so you killed the dude’ and then I’ll get arrested and then we’ll never get married and I can never play volleyball again and we can’t kiss anymore and and and-“

And then Noya was crying and so Ryuu obviously started crying too and they’re both wailing and hugging each other when the door clicks open and Saeko, Akiteru, and Kei walk in. They were too busy sobbing that they didn’t hear them come in.

“He needs it by _tomorrow_ -“

“You have to calm down, Kei,-“

“I can’t calm down when-“

“It’ll turn up eventually-“¬¬

“RYUU!” Saeko shouted when she saw Noya crying in Ryuu’s arms and Ryuu's back, “Why is Yuu crying?!”

They both turned to see her, faces flushed and streaked with snot and tears.

“Why are you guys crying?!” she practically screeched as she ran over to scoop them into her small arms.

“WE DIDN’T DO IT!” They both wailed. 

“Guys, please calm down,” Akiteru soothed “what do you guys mean ‘you didn’t do it’? Do what?”

“I woke up and there was a dead head-“

“He mailed it to me-“

"You can't bring a head to volleyball practice-"

“And he didn’t make it dead!!!!!“

“It was dead when I woke up, I didn’t do anything!”

“Don’t send Yuu to jail!!”

They started wailing again and Kei has had enough of this shit. His boyfriend was freaking out about his film assignment and now his in-laws were crying like infants.

“What the hell are you guys babbling about?” He spat. That shut them both up. They both shakily pointed to the box fallen on the ground, the head had rolled out a bit. Kei’s eyes went wide.

“That’s Chikara’s!” he exclaimed.

“We killed Chikara?!”

“No, you idiots,” he rolled his eyes harshly as he scooped up the head “this is Chikara’s prop for his shooting tomorrow in Saitama. He’s been searching for this everywhere.”

“So,” Noya asked softly “Chikara murdered someone?”

Kei deadpanned so hard he thinks he pulled a face muscle.

“Again, NO, single-celled knuckleheads. This is obviously not a real head. It’s too hard even if rigor-mortis set in because it’s made of wax and if the blood was real it wouldn’t be this bright a colour, it would be dark brown since it should be dried by now after all this time you spent tossing it around like monkeys. There would also be much more blood spewing out of it than just this. It doesn’t even smell like a dead person it just smells like the chamomile candles Chikara used to make it,” he sniffed it to confirm his statement and let Saeko and the idiot couple smell it too, “See, it’s not real?”

Noya huffed in indignation, “Well, if it’s Chikara’s then why didn’t he keep it on his own side of the room?!”

At this Kei lightly blushed and turned his head away, “I put it under your covers because I..uhm.. didn’t want it to disturb our…date night.” 

Silence rang through the room. 

Then a snort slipped out of Saeko’s lips. Ryuu coughed a laugh back. A small giggle from Noya. Akiteru was shaking from holding it in. Then all at once everyone started guffawing hard and loud and Kei’s face couldn’t get any redder. He huffed his way out of the house in that swift awkward shuffle he does when he’s embarrassed, mumbling stuff about ‘getting this back to Chika’. Everyone was bending over in laughter, Akiteru was laughing so hard he had to lean against the couch and Ryuu was slamming his fist on the cushions as he cackled.

It took a while to calm down but Saeko let Noya stay the night, obviously, and he and Ryuu spent the whole day cuddling and making out on his bed to recover from the ‘trauma’. And if they had a little ‘date night’ of their own, well, no dead heads were involved.

**Author's Note:**

> TBH I wld've done the same damn thing. If I had a hot bf like Tanaka.


End file.
